Make Instant, Meaningful Connections for Interviewing, Selling, Managing, Pitching.
How to strike up a conversation with strangers, make them like you and understand even their most subtle gestures. How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less (2000) is a guide to connecting, communicating and expanding your social world.
Who should read these blinks?
- Salespeople who want to improve their interpersonal skills
- Anybody who wants to meet new people but doesn’t know where to begin
Who wrote the book?
Nicholas Boothman is a former fashion and advertising photographer who has spent the last two decades studying how people connect and communicate.
What’s in it for me? Make an immediate impact on anyone.
Making friends is not easy, what with the rigmarole of small talk, awkward silences and lack of eye contact. Rather than face this horror, most of us stick to our group of friends and simply avoid making new acquaintances unless it’s totally necessary.
Yet, making new friends is incredibly beneficial. Not only will it expand your social circle, it will also help you develop your interpersonal skills. These blinks will give you the skills you need to impress prospective friends in just a minute and a half, showing you how to be instantly likable to others.
In these blinks, you will discover
- how much you can tell about someone from their eye movements;
- why all of us like a leaner; and
- why making new friends can help you live longer.
Connecting with others will make you a healthier, more likable person.
You probably know that human beings are social creatures that benefit from community living and spending time with others. But that doesn’t mean it’s healthy to seal yourself into a social bubble, only interacting with the same few people for the rest of your life.
Rather, to reap all the benefits of your social life, you need to constantly meet new people. In fact, the benefits of such a dynamic social life are profound: people who go out of their way to meet others end up knowing more about themselves and even live longer.
By continuously adding new people to your social sphere, you’ll develop stronger social skills and learn how to be more likable. And, while likability has a lot to do with the way you look, what’s really important is how people feel when they’re around you.
Likable people are open, welcoming and friendly, signaling self-confidence, sincerity and trust – and every one of these traits can be developed by continuously connecting with others.
So, being social is good for you, but on the other side of the spectrum, scientists have found that people without a dynamic social life are more likely to get sick and die sooner.
In 1979, Dr. Lisa Berkman of the Harvard School of Health Sciences conducted the Alameda County Study, looking at 7,000 people between the ages of 35 and 65. After studying the group for nine years, she determined that those who lacked social or community connections were three times more likely to die of a medical illness.
But making new friends is hard, and most of us are just too busy to spend time seeking out acquaintances by hanging out with strangers. Beyond that, if someone doesn’t find us interesting within the first 90 seconds, we tend to disengage completely. So, if you want to make people like you, you’ve got to do it right from the start – which is exactly what you’ll learn how to do in the following blinks.
Your initial contact with another person is called the greeting and it comprises a few key elements.
Now you know that the first few moments you spend with a new person are crucial to forming a connection, but did you also know that making a friend begins before you even open your mouth?
The first things a new person will notice about you are your body, your eyes and the expression on your face, and it’s essential for all three of these elements to emit a feeling of openness.
To do so, while showing your interest and making the other person feel important, position your body with your heart aimed directly toward them; this will communicate sincerity, full commitment to the conversation and an openness to connect.
Then, look directly into their eyes to establish trust and, once you’ve made eye contact, be sure you’re the first one to smile. Just let your positive attitude shine through your bright grin. The other person will subconsciously understand that you’re sincere and open.
After you’ve set this warm and welcoming mood, break the ice by introducing yourself. Just offer a standard greeting like “hi” or “hello” in a pleasant tone. Or, try telling the person your first name to encourage them to introduce themselves as well. Once they do so, immediately repeat their name to ensure it sticks in your memory by saying something like, “Brenda, nice to meet you, Brenda!”
And finally, lean slightly toward the other person to indicate interest and openness. This shouldn’t be a theatrical gesture, but rather a subtle, almost imperceptible motion. You can also add a firm and respectful handshake or use the hands-freetechnique in which you leave your hands by your sides as you lean in slightly.
The quality of communication between people depends on their rapport and attitudes.
When it comes to carrying on a positive conversation with someone, nothing beats a few shared interests that establish a natural rapport. But that’s not always possible. When there’s no common ground to jump into, try establishing a rapport by design.
For a moment, alter your behavior, your facial expressions and the tone as well as the rhythm of your voice to make yourself more similar to the other person. Doing so will create a natural connection, as it’s easier to relate to people who move and act like us.
But remember, it’s impossible to establish a rapport without the right attitude and, when it comes to being likable, you can either have a useful attitude or a useless attitude. The former, which utilizes the correct body language and expression, begins with deciding what you want from the conversation.
Only when you know what you want will your body language turn toward likeability. So, when beginning a conversation, consider your end goal and the approach that will help you reach it.
For instance, say you had a bad morning but need to close a deal with an important client. Instead of letting your bad mood control you, concentrate closely on what you need to get out of the meeting.
Doing so will force you to change your attitude, adopting an open body position, big smile and positive attitude that makes a positive impact.
Conversely, a useless attitude is defined by concentrating on what you don’t want from a conversation or situation. For example, in a discussion with your boss, you might focus on a desire not to be yelled at. In turn, you’ll adopt passive body language, making you seem negative and unlikable.
To be credible to others, your body language has to align with your words.
A useful attitude is indeed the key to best using your body language – but body language is more complex than that. It includes gestures and expressions as well as your posture, and can be divided into two categories: open and closed.
Open body language exposes your heart and body, signaling to others that you’re not only willing to communicate, but that you’re enthusiastic about it. As a result, when two people begin a conversation with their hearts facing one another, a powerful connection forms and trust becomes more likely to solidify.
On the other hand, closed body language protects the heart through gestures that express resistance, frustration, impatience and nervousness. Crossed arms are one of the most common instances of defensive body language, as crossed arms protect one’s heart and therefore one’s feelings. However, turning your body sideways relative to your conversation partner can also evoke a similar feeling.
And body language isn’t just about, well, your body. It’s also about your face and its expressions, which can be open or closed as well. For example, an open face smiles and makes eye contact, with a dynamic expression and raised eyebrows. On the other hand, a closed face is stern and avoids eye contact.
So, if you want people to trust what you say, you need to be sure that your body is saying the same thing. In fact, in 1967, a UCLA psychology professor named Albert Mehrabian said that credibility depends on the congruity of three communicative aspects: the vocal, verbal and visual.
In other words, what you say, how you say it and the signals your body sends while you say it all need to be aligned. If they’re not, the other person will feel the discomfort held in your body and both of you will feel unpleasant. Just think of a friend telling you that he’s fine while he looks away with crossed arms and a tapping foot. It’s not hard to tell that he certainly doesn’t seem fine.
"All relationships are built on trust. Trust is built on congruence."
Adapting to the mannerisms of others is natural and, by doing so, you can make people feel relaxed in your presence.
People tend to hire and even date people that look like themselves, as well as those that make them feel comfortable and safe. This makes sense since we usually feel good in the company of people whose behavior is in sync with, and influences, our own.
In fact, even if you don’t realize it, you’ve been synchronizing yourself with other people since the day you were born. A baby’s body rhythm is synchronized with that of her mother, and, later in life, this tendency continues. For instance, an adult’s taste in clothes will often be influenced by that of his partner.
But why does this happen? Does it mean everyone is just faking it?
Actually, it’s a completely natural way of adapting to others, and is our normal reaction to outside events. For instance, when someone smiles at you, you immediately feel a desire to smile back. Similarly, when someone yawns, it makes you want to yawn too and, if you see a boxer get punched in the stomach, you’ll feel the need to wince in pain.
So, this synchronization is a major part of our lives and is especially important when it comes to building an immediate rapport. But what exactly is meant by synchronization in this context?
Specifically, it refers to discreetly copying and subtly imitating the gestures of your conversation partner, as well as their body posture, facial expressions, breathing and voice. To do so, you can either match the person exactly or mirror them as if you were their reflection.
Synchronizing with your conversation partner’s voice can be a particularly powerful tool, especially if they speak in a quiet voice and you tend to be quite loud. Naturally, your partner will feel more at ease speaking with someone who shares their same gentle tone.
The key to conversation is asking the right questions and knowing how to listen.
Up until this point you’ve learned a lot about how to make someone feel comfortable in your presence through visual cues and intonation, but conversation is also obviously vital to making an immediate impact. So, how do you start a chat off on the right foot?
Well, questions are perfect for starting conversations, and they come in two forms: those that open people up and those that close them down.
Open questions invite other people to talk. Say you’re at a restaurant and decide to strike up a light conversation with a stranger. You might say something like “what a lovely restaurant” and then ask, “where do you think the chef is from?”
But regardless of what you ask, the idea is to use conversation-generating words that request an explanation or opinion. Just think of questions that begin with “Who?”, “When?”, “What?”, “Where?” “How?” or “Why?”
On the other hand, closed questions encourage a yes or no response and are formed with the verbs “to be,” “to have” and “to do.” For instance, if you asked “do you come here often?” you’d be lucky to receive more than a simple affirmative or negative in return.
However, asking the right questions is only half of the conversation game. The other key is active listening, or, in other words, eliciting a feeling of empathy.
To show your conversation partner that you understand what they’re saying, you need to listen with much more than just your ears; this means using ample eye contact (but not staring), listening with your body by facing your heart toward them, leaning in and nodding your head.
If you want to say something, just remember not to interrupt the other person and be sure to respond to what they’ve said with feeling. For example, if they say, “I really like living in Chicago, but my husband got a promotion and we might move to Miami.” You could say, “Wow, that seems like a huge and stressful decision. How are you going to decide?”
"The idea is to get the other person talking, then find out what matters to him or her and synchronize yourself accordingly."
Our favored senses can be a great indicator of how we communicate.
In 1970, Richard Bandler and John Grinder, the founders of the approach to communication known as Neuro-Linguistic Programming, or NLP, realized that their clients were capable of filtering the world through one of three different senses: visual, auditory or kinesthetic.
Naturally, all people use a mix of these three senses, but one always dominates, and knowing which is prevalent in your conversation partner can greatly affect your rapport.
People who are predominantly visual care a lot about how things look. They generally tend to think in pictures, dress sharply and talk very fast. These people like to use expressions like “how do you see yourself? or “I see what you’re saying.”
Auditory people love conversation, have fluid, melodic, expressive voices and enjoy words as well as sounds. As a result, they gravitate toward careers in broadcasting, teaching and the law. They tend to say things like, “sounds familiar”, “tell me more” and “I didn’t like the tone of his voice.”
Finally, kinesthetic-focused people like solid things that they can feel. They have lower voices, like textured clothing and tend to speak very slowly. Often, they’ll use expressions like “how do you feel about . . . ?” and “I’ll get in touch with her.”
By matching your responses to a person’s dominant sense, you can make them like you more – and eye movement can help you determine which sense someone favors. For instance, if you ask “what did you like most about your vacation?” to three separate people who are visual, auditory and kinesthetic, respectively, the visual person will look up to the left or right as if they’re seeing the answer, the auditory person will look left or right as if to their ears and the kinesthetic one will look down to either side.
In other words, if you’re unsure how best to communicate with someone, just look at their eyes. By doing so, you’ll learn which sense they favor and will know how to speak their language.
Final summary
The key message in this book:
Endearing yourself to a new acquaintance begins from the moment you meet one another. The way another person feels around you is key to making them like you, which makes it essential to adopt a genuinely open attitude and willingness to connect.
Actionable advice:
Control the tone of your voice with this simple exercise.
Say you notice that your conversation partner speaks in a calm and relaxed tone, but you tend to talk a mile a minute. To bring yourself down to his level, try some belly breathing. To do so, just focus on breathing into your abdomen, rather than your chest. Pretty soon your breathing will slow down and you’ll feel more relaxed and able to connect.
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